Fester and Rot

Happy New Year.

Harnessing time was a grave mistake. To not be aware of time would be my new year‘s resolution if I made one. Time is making itself known to me these days in awful little ways: barnacles, brown spots, white bumps, fatty tissue, wrinkles, isolation and loneliness to name a few. I do not like my life as it is at the moment. When I feel pretty, I want someone to notice. When I am lonely, I want someone to be with. This is not too much to ask. But who wants to ask?

Today is my 9th wedding anniversary. He is watching football; I’m lonely and forgotten. No presents, no date. Just football. I’m angry. I feel cheated. I’m loosing my self, my identity. Who am I these days? I feel invisible. I’m frustrated. Why should I tell him my feelings just to see him hyperventilate at the thought of a deep emotional confrontation. Forget it. I’ll just fester and rot.

Why did he ignore me today? Is it because I suggested that we move our wedding date to June because I was tired of sharing our special day with football and New Year‘s? Did he actually take what I said as the way it was going to be? If so, how about telling me so! I’m so sick of our communication problem. Neither one of us can communicate our deep feelings with each other. Why? We are both sick-o’s.

Fester and Rot. Those would be perfect nicknames for us.

I bought some books with a Barnes and Noble gift certificate I received from Kent and Melissa. I’ll choose to be happy and I’ll go read.