Daddy's Journal/A Place in the World

Read some of Dad's jounrnal last night dated 1981. He makes nice comments about my new-born son. It became apparent to me that he worked very hard to keep us fed. Waking up in the middle of the night, early in the morning, late at night, in all types of weather, including freezing cold weather, with failing vision and aching body, he would deliver much needed parts to the area chemical plants. He made reference to wishing we didn't have to eat. He also mentioned that all his friends were dead. I dreamed about him last night. He was a little bit off (in my dream), like the baby squirrel my husband and I found the other day who had fallen out of the tree. In my dream, Dad and two other old men were belly crawling on the side of a road. Dad was using a medium size knife to help pull himself along. When he did walk, he walked like Frank Hill's dad on King of the Hill. I thought he was my dad, but I wasn't sure.

I am in the process of writing a paper anazlying the tensions in a movie entitled, "A Place in the World." I am doing a lot of thinking about where MY place is in the world. I am afraid it is right here. But if I am afraid, then how can it be my place? I wonder if I have a place in this world. I believe this wonder is deeper than place. If what my husband says is true, that everyone gets on my nerves, I could make anyplace my place. But that leads me to think, hey, some people get on my nerves More than others, and I'd rather live by the ones who get on my nerves less. But this is not what place means. I've gotten off the path of place. In the movie, when you can't leave a place, it's your place. (When you don't want to leave, not when you are forced to stay) I am tormented with the prospect of leaving and staying. Like the song says, "should I stay or should I go now?" I can't remember feeling this torn and undecided about anything else. In the movie, Mario stays in a poor valley, oppressed by the man, because it is his place, but he sends his wife and child back to the big city for their sakes and they go. I guess it wasn't their place. But the boy comes back! so, maybe it was his place afterall. But I can't remember if he stayed or if he just wanted to visit his father's grave. We saw this movie in January and now the teacher expects us to write a paper on it NOW. I guess she gets on my nerves too.