Birthday Month Ramblings

This month will see Duncan, Ricky, Chris, Todd and me all turn a year older. We are all walking our long green mile. How will we end? It's anybody's guess. Keep it in mind so as not to get stale in life.

I think about staleness in life as I prepare to go to Fort Worth tomorrow. I am becoming stale. This is my first trip alone in a long time and I am aware of it for the first time. I usually just hop in the car and take off without a care, but this time I am oddly aware of myself. I think of being alone, getting into car trouble, being lonely, not being able to help correctly (I'm helping Julie organize her house), etc. I don't feel comfortable driving from Fort Worth to Dallas to visit with Jacob (although I will do it). The traffic scares me like it never did before. This makes me want to cry. Getting older is a strange and ugly experience, but at the same time I don't think I'd want to be younger. Naaa. I wouldn't mind being in my 30's again. That was a perfect age for me. Even though those were my hardest years (divorce and a 2nd marriage), they were my finest. My fourties have been the tell-tell "I'm aging" years. My mom's death catapolted me into the new "oldest" role that I somehow do not fit in. Now Thanksgivings and other holidays are different (not as fun). I'm the one in charge as the younger ones play. I don't like it. I want to play. And I can never live up to what was before me. My house is the ominous place of 'Grandma.' I'm not even a grandma and I'm grandma in personification. Everyone come to Grandma's house for Thanksgiving this year! This house has a love/hate presence about it. If I lived in my other TC house, no one would want to come to TC for Thanksgiving. It's this house. And that is exactly why I bought the thing. It's power over me is strange. I think it must be Mother's power over me. "Sarah, please buy this house and take care of Ronnie when I'm gone." Jeez..............

I'm going to go get another cup of Jo and get reborn. :)