Sleepless in TC

Well, here it is 12:53 a.m. sunday morning. I've been tossing and turning and thinking since 10:00 p.m. saturday night. I can't stand it when my brain won't stop thinking. So, I turn to blogger.com. Now what? I am experiencing some depression. Some doom and gloom feelings. Isolation. Uselessness. umm.. I'll double up on my herbs tomorrow, oops, today. I am looking at a poster of Clark Gable. He is sitting at a gambling table with a cigar in his mouth, and cards in his one hand and chips under the other. My mom's poster. She loved Clark Gable. She used to skip school and go to the movies and watch him on the big screen. She had a sad life. I wish I could have been her childhood friend. I like the idea of time-travel. I'd like to visit my ancestors as young people and experience the lives of those from whom I come. I feel as though I am going through a transition from young person to old person. Therefore the doom and gloom feeling, maybe. Walking on the beach yesterday was interesting. I noticed that there were more ugly people than pretty. More fat than skinny. I began to think I could get by with wearing a two-piece, then thought again. I don't necessarily like this new role of "aging person." Death is on my mind more than it has ever been. Widowhood, nursing homes, bathroom problems. Not a very bright future. Ma-moo was a widow at 55 years of age and never remarried. I may never remarry. What a sad thought that my best years are over. Jeez, I'm depressed. I might as well just go ahead and die now. Naah, I'm going to join the Lowery Center on Monday and start working out. I'm going to start feeling better physically and then I'll automatically start feeling better emotionally. yup.